Why Kids Need to Be Good at Struggling: Building Resilience from the Inside Out
As parents, it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting to make everything okay for our children. We want to patch the scraped knees, mend the broken friendships, and smooth over the meltdowns. But what if one of the most powerful things we can do as parents isn't to eliminate struggle, but to teach our children how to move through it?
Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and author of Good Inside, reminds us that “kids don’t need perfect parents, they need present ones.” And perhaps even more crucially, they don’t need us to rescue them from every hard moment—they need to know that they are safe, seen, and capable in the midst of them.
The Myth of the Struggle-Free Childhood
There’s a common misconception that a good childhood should be mostly easy. But easy doesn’t build resilience, struggle does. Every time a child faces a challenge, whether it’s not getting the toy they want, feeling left out, or wrestling with a hard math problem, they are standing at a crossroads of development.
Do they learn that frustration is dangerous and must be avoided? Or do they learn that hard feelings are safe to feel and possible to survive?
Resilience doesn’t come from the absence of hardship. It comes from the experience of moving through hardship with support. As Dr. Becky puts it, “We build resilience not by shielding kids from hard things, but by showing them they can feel hard things and still be okay.”
Understanding the Frustration Cycle – Dr. Gordon Neufeld
Developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld expands on this idea by describing the cycle of frustration, a natural emotional process that children (and adults) go through. When a child encounters something they can’t change, their frustration builds. If this emotion has no safe outlet, if they are told to "stop crying," "get over it," or "calm down" without support, it can become stuck, turning into aggression or withdrawal.
Neufeld emphasizes the importance of reaching the adaptive response, which is a point in the frustration cycle when the child comes to terms with the futility of the situation and feels the deeper emotion beneath: sadness. This release is not weakness; it’s transformation. It’s the nervous system resetting, the child softening, and the brain reorganizing itself to better cope next time.
In this way, tears are not the problem, they're the solution.
Why Expression Matters
When we allow our kids to express their big feelings in safe, supported ways (through crying, venting, or even physical movement) we’re not indulging them. We’re helping their nervous systems complete a cycle and reset. We’re saying: You are allowed to feel. And you are safe in those feelings.
Dr. Becky Kennedy calls this kind of co-regulation “being the calm in their storm.” It's not our job to stop the storm, but to be an anchor within it. This helps our kids internalize the belief that hard things are survivable and that they don’t need to suppress or fear big emotions.
From Struggling to Strong
When kids get good at struggling, they:
Become more adaptable
Build confidence in their own emotional capacity
Strengthen relationships through vulnerability and repair
Learn problem-solving skills rather than avoidance strategies
Cultivate an internal sense of safety
This doesn’t happen overnight. And it doesn’t happen because we say the perfect words or follow a script. It happens over time, in hundreds of micro-moments where we pause instead of react, validate instead of rush, and stay instead of solve.
Final Thoughts
Both Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Gordon Neufeld remind us that children don’t need to be protected from struggle—they need to be supported through it. Being “good at struggling” isn’t about pushing through pain or toughing it out. It’s about learning that we can feel big, uncomfortable feelings, express them safely, and emerge on the other side—more whole, more grounded, and more resilient.
So the next time your child is mid-meltdown, take a deep breath and try this mindset shift: This is not a moment to fix. This is a moment to connect.
Because the goal isn't raising kids who never struggle. It's raising kids who know how to struggle and still feel good inside.
Are you ready to stop rescuing and start raising resilient kids who can handle life’s challenges? Join my upcoming workshop on Tuesday, June 17th and discover how to support your child in learning to struggle, grow, and thrive with confidence.